Did I mess up?

i’m exhausted man.


tired of getting told i’m the problem with no explanation

i’ve been having trouble with my bestfriend .

We’re both guys, and he’s a bit homophobic (like won’t even sit in the same bed as a guy because it’s “gay” homophobic) which is why i’m having a hard time processing this. (Only when he got a girlfriend was he semi-okay with sitting on a bed with me. His direct quote “it’s still pretty gay but i have a girlfriend now so i’ll allow it)

I do want to say that I am a big advocate for male friends to show eachother physical affection, and i’m no stranger to that at all.

We’ve had an extremely deep emotional bond. He was my very bestfriend in the world and I his. One night I had a mental breakdown of sorts, and his way of calming me down was repeatedly rubbing my back, pulling me down to cuddle (with him in his back and me on top of him with my head on his chest. which i rejected after a few seconds of shock) lots of hugging and pressing his fingers into the of my arms back of my arms repeatedly.

A few days before this I was having a hard time in school (which was the reason for the mental breakdown) and left our hangout early. he asked what was wrong and then proceeded to ask if i was into him to which i said no, and he responded that he was just joking to lighten the mood. Later on his reasoning was that he didn’t mean it, but he knew i had a hard time saying things important (which is true) so he was just guessing

Now usually I wouldn’t think twice about this. but it was around the same time that i found out that he sexts men online regularly and watches gay porn regularly. He admitted shame, depression and disappointment overt this. If a girl did this to me i’d most definitely take it as a sign, but I also was having a bit of a breakdown, so i’m not sure how to look at this? i’m genuinely lost and confused and more hurt than i like to admit.

(after the night he distanced from me and blamed it on my breakdown) :/ right after my breakdown he went to pursue a girl romantically who had a crush on him for a long time, but he had always refused to date her one of the reasons being her body proportions are off (among 20 other reasons he said some pretty gross things about her.)

i talked to him yesterday. Where he looked me in the eyes told me he isn’t gay and isn’t into me and that he loves his girlfriend. and no had no solid answer as to why he broke our friendship off. Just “i’m a horrible friend to you i’m so sorry”.

We got to talking a little less serious in between the serious conversations and i mentioned that im leaving for a week driving 11 hours to go see all my family. (sometimes i get bad anxiety driving home which is a 3 hour drive he’s offered multiple times to drive me home too. declined all of those)He asked me to my face if i wanted him to drive me there. He was being dead serious.

I don’t know what he wants from me and i’m exhausted. he won’t explain why im so impossible to be works and im exhausted.

At the end got Told it’s too much to hangout with me and made a bunch of other accusations and reasons