Are friends just a form of casual entertainment?

being a romantic partner seems to be the only way to be a priority in anyone’s life.

I would say this may not be the 'right' way to consider the question. But it's hard to explain, even more so in English. The aim should not be to be a priority. It should be to be valuable to one another.

I know a few people but I've one friend. One, that's it. We've been friend since we were kids (now nearing our 60s). We don't live in the same country anymore and, naturally since we also both try to reduce our impact on the environment by traveling (a lot) less, we don't see that often. Also, we both have our life(s), friends, and family. And that's fine: we seldom meet, we even seldom chat like we used (spending countless night discussing philosophy and politics (we both are complete opposites on that matter) and spending countless hours writing to one another the moment we could not meet IRL anymore) but we _are_ friends. We both know from experience the moment we need it the other will be at our door, virtually our in person depending the situation. To me that's friendship: we don't spend a lot more time with many other persons, but that doesn't change a thing. I mean, we can and have put such or such discussion on hold, sometimes for a year or more and get back to it the moment the opportunity arise like if we had left it the night before...

It is something we learned back in the 80s and 90s, before we had readily available 'Internet' and before everybody and their mother switched to email and later on to social networks, back when we had to use snail mail to discuss despite distance and wait for our letter to reach them, and wait even more to receive their response. Not just the two of us, many other people used to do that back then. Being patient and being fine with only getting a few minutes here and there and _make the most out of those_.

like, I don't (expect to) spend all my time with my spouse... 34 years and counting together. A liberty we both consider a key part in respecting one another's. She has friends and activities I can't be bothered with, like I have mine she can't be bothered with. And we both are fine with that. We're a couple but we remain two individuals that will do stuff on their own, including spending time with other people and having fun without their partner.

All of that to say we should be fine not being the constant 'priority' of someone we truly care, and appreciate whatever time we can spend together, no matter how little.

How old are you currently and how old are your friends? You don’t have to actually answer that question but I think it would give you a bit more insight into what’s happening. Many friendships transform slowly based on the life path you or your friends are on, with path diverging more each year if you are not both headed towards the same life goals.

For instance, if a friend of yours wants to get married and have kids, then they’re probably going to be prioritizing their relationships with their family or with other friends planning families since it’s easier to stay in sync with these people.

If your friend likes to party, stay up later than you, and push on your newer comfort zones, then it makes it more challenging to maintain an active friendship. If you were that way in the past with your friend and are no longer that way, then you have to juggle an old identity that doesn’t quite fit anymore and a new one which may not match your friend’s path.

Expectations change in relationships as well, especially if you’re living with your SO. Seeing your friends once or twice a week after work might not fly, especially if you have kids that require more oversight, attention, and care.

Even just texting friends requires some mutual engagement. If your friends also have a lot of friends it’s probably even tougher for them to be juggling texting each of these friends and staying up to date on everything they have going on. If they have three friend groups and an SO for instance, that’s about one weekend a month with each friend group plus at minimum one spent with their family.

I frequently will take days to get back to my own family or even my best friend, it’s not because I don’t care but often because they are asking for a time investment I’m not ready to commit to in that moment (eg, them saying “let’s do x on y day” when I have no clue if I have another commitment with my immediate family on y day). If I got more questions like “do you think you’ll have time in the next week or so?” it’d be easier give a more definitive answer as well since it’s more accommodating of my time.

TL;DR: You could be doing everything ‘right’, but that doesn’t mean the specific people you’re friends with have the bandwidth for the more active friendship you’re looking for. Not everything or everyone is set in stone though, circumstances can change and so can people’s hearts.

I remember composing letters in college, just barely pre-internet. It was a lovely art. Next time I find a book of letter, I'm picking it up.

I'm a regular contact type of person. This whole thing of “we don't talk for years but then we have a phone call and catch up” is not for me.

I remember composing letters in college, just barely pre-internet. It was a lovely art. Next time I find a book of letter, I’m picking it up.

+1 because I can't do more

I’m a regular contact type of person. This whole thing of “we don’t talk for years but then we have a phone call and catch up” is not for me.

It needs not be years, it's just a way of speaking.
Like anything new, we learn to be good at it. Remember your first bike ride? Mine hurt. How you learned to write? Was it by writing an amazing poem in an not less amazing cursive or was it by clumsily tracing batons letters (and getting them wrong)? Me too Remember how you learned to walk? Was it by running and winning a marathon or by falling, over and over again on your diapered bottom? That's learning and that's worth it. Bot saying you should do this or that, just that maybe it's worth trying even if it's not that great to start with

Are you talking about the “catching up phone call”? I'm fine with those, but I go through a lot of things alone; and when I do, I don't feel like those people who are not in contact are good friends.

Are all your text messages voice recordings? That very well could be the problem there. If you're texting, text them. If you need to convey a lot of information that you can't or don't want to text, call them.

Atleast personally, ill never or only extremely begrudgingly listen to a voice recording, let alone call someone.

Nah, text messages are text messages.

I'll audio my spanish friends more since they send me audios all the time, but my english friends are too busy for that.

You are right that in modern society it's much harder to make and maintain friends. Really you have to think of it in terms of "closeness" or intimacy. Have you talked about only good things with these people? Or have you opened up about maybe some deeper or darker topics? Have you been to each other's house? Have you helped each other do something important and difficult? Being a friend is almost like an imposition. You need to be able to rely on and support each other.

I'm a deep & dark type; it's hard to find people who want to go there--that's why Oprah is so hugely popular.

I agree that a real friendship is not about mutual convenience....

We're supposed to have evolved to have maybe 100 relationships max in our entire lives. I think now that we are surrounded by a sea of people with nothing particular tying us to any of them, nobody is worth putting the effort into because they could just easily drift away--change jobs, get married, move, find another group of friends, etc.

Online dating is the perfect embodiment of this. Nobody wants to commit because of this itch that there's someone better out there.

Middle-aged with middle-aged friends. I've definitely had friction with friends who get married and only want to hang out with married friends and then, later, childed friends who only want to hang out with other childed couples.

But I think everything you're talking about falls under the "friend group of convenience". I'm talking about a real connection with an individual person that transcends that.

BTW - This was the comment I found most helpful in this thread. Thank you.

Real friends can fall into these groups as well is the thing.

I personally don’t have spare energy to maintain active friendships with the dozens of people I’m close with, but I don’t expect anything from them either since we’re both burdened and I don’t care less about them just because we haven’t talked. If they are a true friend of mine it will be like a day has not passed between us.

Another thing is some people can feel awkward about reaching out if it’s been some time as well.

If you have a lot of friends to pick from, you can probably have someone return your call in a pretty short amount of time... that's nice because you never feel like a burden to anyone. But why should reaching out to a friend feel like a risky proposition that you have to manage?

Audio messages are the bane of my existence. They're as bad as voicemail, only one step below phone calls