💬 Forum » General » Did Your Childhood Home Leave a Mark You're Still Working Through???

Did Your Childhood Home Leave a Mark You're Still Working Through???

sandhu

💬

Did any of you grow up in a toxic or unstable home as a kid? How did you actually deal with it, or move past it?

Looking back, home wasn't calm growing up. Constant fighting between my parents, things a kid shouldn't really be exposed to. I don't even fully know whose fault it is, honestly, and part of me hesitates to blame either of them completely, because I've also watched both of them work hard for me despite everything falling apart between them. That contradiction is confusing on its own, seeing people cause you pain and also genuinely try for you at the same time. I've started noticing it in myself now, more impatience than I think I should have, reacting harder to small things than the situation probably calls for. It's like some of that environment got wired into me without me even realizing it until recently.

I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm asking because I know I'm not the only one who's grown up like this, and I'd genuinely like to know how people actually worked through it, not just survived it, but actually became calmer, steadier versions of themselves afterward.

A few things I'm curious about:

Did you notice the effects on yourself right away, or did it take years to even recognize the pattern?

Was there a specific turning point, therapy, a relationship, distance from the situation, or was it more gradual than that?

Does it ever fully go away, or does it just become something you manage better over time?

Genuinely trying to understand this instead of just carrying it forward without realizing it. Appreciate any real experiences you're willing to share.

[[[[Sometimes I catch myself wondering what it would've actually felt like to grow up in a genuinely happy, peaceful family. Hard to even imagine it sometimes, since it's not something I ever really got to experience firsthand._]]]]

8 Jul 2026 19:02

HumanOnEarth

💬

I think as you get older, you realize that there's no such thing as "normal" and so even if you grew up with trauma or just general dysfunction, you eventually realize that it shaped you more than it "held you back" if that makes sense.

And then you kind of learn where you have certain tendencies, how to catch things and not let them run your life, etc.

As an example, highly empathetic people tend to come from high trauma families....kids who have to watch their parents closely to know when to avoid them, or avoid doing certain things around them.... they just get really good at tuning in to other people's radios. That's a huge boon for working in helping professions like support work, nursing, service, etc.

Totally just anecdotal based on my life and what I've learned, but I do feel like every year that passes I'm able to identify not just what held me back but what kind of benefits I gained from the trauma.

Hope that helps in some way!

8 Jul 2026 19:30

Sweety_Love

💬

I don't think anyone has a perfect childhood. Anyway, mine's was pretty bad in my opinion (my mom was an alcoholic, aggressive type, and my dad was addict to casinos and shit).

I think that when I was growing I knew something was bad, like, I had to help my mom to walk, or we had a lot of money and then nothing. They even did coke and shit "hiding" from me but.. You know, kids are not stupid. When it got really bad, I knew I would never be "normal", I had anxiety and panic attacks every day, I couldn't attend school and I tried to stop my life.

Now I live w my girlfriend, and I noticed some patterns, I know I have to be far away from drugs (I tried them, tho) because I just feel I'm proned to be addicted really fast. I noticed myself sometimes thinking into just deal my problems w alcohol, even if I remind myself that's not the way. I always feel like I have to earn love by doing something (chores, giving money, anything)..

So yeah, I think is going to be like this forever, but you can manage it, I went to therapy, and I have my ways to deal with it.. So if everyone is a bad moment rn, don't worry, you can do this, I'm sure, even if you aren't.

8 Jul 2026 20:25

kingblaaak

💬

Whatever happened in the past will remain as memories. Though I has moulded me into the person today.

The physical place, I inherited mine, so I changed the layout to suit me.

Now it's my fortress of solitude, to escape from this crazy world.

8 Jul 2026 20:28

Asafum

💬

I think it stuck with me. We were always moving, I've had 2 step fathers, both were absolute shitbags. I never had a name in the house with the last stepfather, it was always jerk off, moron, idiot, etc but then always "God I'm only kidding" when confronted. Now I have literally 0 self esteem, I joke that Hitler has more redeeming qualities than I do.

As far as the always moving goes, even after leaving the house at 17, I've never known stability. Because of my lack of self esteem and general stupidity I ended up being uneducated working shit jobs, and am now a worthless factory schmuck in yet another precarious living situation.

As for the wondering what a happy normal life looked like, I had my mirror image to grow up with. My friend from highschool had the exact opposite life as me, happy family that gave him job opportunities, let him live rent free after highschool so he could go to college, and now he works for Intel and literally sent me a message the other day worried about how he should invest since his company issued stock grew so much he became a millionaire overnight. I'm happy for him, but it's a real kick in the teeth to see how our lives are so different constantly. He has a house and a family and wants more property, I'm living in a garage and my retirement plan is to eat a shotgun shell deep in the woods somewhere.

8 Jul 2026 21:05

compostgoblin

💬

Oh yep. Big time. I was raised in a _very_ Catholic household in a quite conservative community. Religion aside, I think my parents were overall pretty good, despite being quite strict, other than their insistence on having surveillance over all Internet access at all times. Knowing your parents are constantly watching fucks with your head.

But what I’m still working through in therapy are all the myriad lessons I internalized through my conservative religious upbringing. There wasn’t any one particular thing, but that was 100% not the right environment for a trans girl who didn’t know it yet to grow up in. I barely knew trans people existed until I went to college, and I was pretty homophobic in high school. It wasn’t until I was out of grad school, living and working in another state, that I had the distance to finally do the self-reflection and therapy work to realize that I’m trans and pan and accept that about myself.

I had a moment after my egg cracked of “oh no, I’m the kind of person everyone I grew up around hates”. Jury is still out on how my family will react when I come out to them. I haven’t said anything because I’m afraid of how they’ll respond, given that I’m the only one who is no longer Catholic.

Anyway, I could ramble on. Short answer: yeah, my upbringing fucked me up real good, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be done working through it.

8 Jul 2026 21:18

corsicanguppy

💬

The lack of economic mobility in America makes that accident of one's birth either very lucky or very UN-lucky, because you can't really change your stars anymore.

I'm glad if you can be happy for him, still, and not feel resentment for his amazing luck. That's not a win that puts food I table but it's a win.

8 Jul 2026 21:19

FinjaminPoach

💬

Did you notice the effects on yourself right away, or did it take years to even recognize the pattern?

Both. A lot of knowing something was really fucked up, eventuslly deciding it wasn't because i was conditioned to it, and then re-realising later down the line. That said i had more subtle and less severe forms of abuse than most people, and i wouldn't usually even speak about my childhood experiences as being 'abusive.' But i think any decent shrink would agree they were and be able to pick up in whst ways they were.

Does it ever fully go away, or does it just become something you manage better over time?

In some cases it will go right away when you manage to cut off your family for good. I guess i would advise that you see severing a connection with them as being spiritually akin to actually cutting that pain out of your life and your memory.

If you suffered something like sexual abuse then no, it'll be harder to forget about. For me though, one thing i was subject to was verbal abuse and conditioning and i am at least confident enough in my own intelligence to not actually take that verbal abuse to heart.

You know what though? Whenever it happens with someone else, like a friend a romantic partner or a complete stranger, it's all the more worse. Because of what i've already experienced. I got harassed and stalked in university and i couldn't stop saying to myself "i hope they fucking die" et cetera. I've not had that before, but as a teenager i did have sleepless nights because i was so angry at the bullying and manipulative people i was surrounded by in society.

I think we get stronger and weaker from day to day in so manyways we don't notice. Thinking about it now, i'm so past some of the symptoms of mental torment i used to have and i haven't thought about the triggers in months. Psychologists/psychiatrists say that actuslly thinking and feeling through your trauma is what heals you and allows you to move on so i guess that's it.

8 Jul 2026 21:27

Lexam

💬

Well I'm funny.

8 Jul 2026 21:48

📡 Subscribe 💬 Reply

Did Your Childhood Home Leave a Mark You're Still Working Through???

Related topics