How much should I spend on an engagement ring?

Spend what you can afford. Diamonds aren’t that special, maybe consider a stone that means more to your partner.

I refused to ask my wife’s father for permission to marry her. She is not his property and tbh even if he had said no (he wouldn’t have) I would have asked her anyway.

If you aren't sure of the ring, you may want to ask tbh. Some people want an expensive ring, others like my wife wanted to go shop with me for it after the proposal. I gave her an etsy amulet of Mara for the proposal then we did a modest ring later.

As for her dad, do it, but not to ask for permission, more to officially inform him and her mother. That's an important distinction. I did this, my feminist wife respected it quite a bit, and her dad felt honored and respected.

Ask them. We paid like $20 for some plain tungsten rings and were quite happy.

I'm French. No more than $500, anything higher would be crazy. I don't understand this American thing to spend 10 years of salary on a ring, and my wife does not understand that either.

do you think it is misogynist to ask the lady’s dad for permission?

No, it's cute. Do it!

Find a local lapidary society. Members will sell you a cut stone that is unique. Get it set by a manufacturing jeweller.
The lapidarist I found gifted me a 1.75 carat topaz that he had fossicked and cut. Then it cost me $375 AUD to have it set. Wife loves it and it’s a one of a kind.

The way my eyebrows shot up when you said "As for permission, fuck the dad..." 😳

I got the wrong message from that sentence on the first read-through 😅

The concept of an expensive engagement ring is based on the realities of a different era, as is asking her dad for permission.

At a time when women couldn't have bank accounts, their jewellery was their emergency savings. The engagement ring in particular was a way for a man to prove that he could financially provide for her, and for her to show to the world that she made a good financial match. This is why engagement rings have historically been very expensive status symbols.

Today, the engagement ring is about love, not status. So forget about what you "should" do and show her that you love her, by thinking about what she would appreciate most.

1) I wouldn't ask her dad unless she is very traditional and extremely close to her dad i.e. only do this if you believe that she would like that and that he will say yes (and yes, it is very patriarchal).

2) What do you think she would value more - having you propose with a ring, or going shopping for a ring together? She will have to wear it, so making sure that she loves it is more important than the price.

3) Stick to what you can realistically afford, bearing in mind that weddings and honeymoons are expensive too. Might she prefer a less expensive ring and a nicer honeymoon?

3a) Definitely don't overspend on a natural diamond. The value of natural diamonds in typical engagement ring sizes (< 1 carat) have fallen dramatically in the last 10-15 years, you can see a fun chart here: https://www.pricescope.com/diamond-prices/diamond-prices-chart/ (Ask me how I know 🙃)

Above all, remember that this is meant to be a fun and exciting time for both of you, so forget about what others expect and focus on what would make you the happiest in the long term.

The more you spend on a wedding, the more likely it is the marriage will fail.

https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/brides/a22085716/couples-who-have-expensive-weddings-are-more-likely-to-get-divorced/

I spent $1,000 on my wife's ring, we just had our 15th anniversary.

My opinion as a pragmatist and a woman: an engagement shouldn't be a surprise. The formality of the proposal itself can be a surprise, but just like a birthday party it should be something expected and at the very least loosely discussed with the person. Asking "what kind of proposals do you like?" and figuring out if they want something public or private, or in front of friends or something small is really important. What kind of engagement ring should go in this discussion. She might hate diamonds, she might love them, she might have a metal allergy, she might have a stone that means a lot to her, she might hate rings with stones at all because they catch on things. You don't know until you ask, and by asking you're showing her the respect and that you value her opinion.

"Assert your dominance as the new paternal authority figure!"

Great answer.

I second that OP should ask about ring preference before buying anything. I did before I proposed, and was surprised to learn that she had very specific desires for her engagement ring.

By not at least informing the father though he risks creating a rift between them. You don't need to ask for permission anymore, but asserting that you are planning on proposing is a respectable thing. Shows dad that you're honorable and you're not afraid to talk to him 1-1, and avoiding it can be seen as disrespectful. I agree that you don't need to ask, but telling him that it's your intention is very respectful. I found that it honors the parents while also sidestepping the whole patriarchal bit. My (now) very feminist wife respected it quite a bit.

_I'll admit though I was sweating through my shirt and probably sqeaked it out, and said something stupid like "I'm not asking because she wouldn't want me to, but I'm here to tell you, that I am planning on, uh", and then I finally spit it out, and he laughed and hugged me, we now have a great rapport_

My wife picked out a maybe $50 moissanite ring that everyone thinks is worth thousands

She also picked where she wanted me to propose to her

I believe this is the right answer if you want a flashy bling bling.
OP, look into moissanite it doesn't come with the price tag and with the blood + slavery as the diamond.